Support for Professionals

• Listen to what parents/carers/children have to say.
• Show you are listening and interested by using eye contact, nodding, smiling, or saying things such as “yes” or “uh-huh” occasionally.
• Wait until the other person has finished speaking before you speak.
• Try not to think about what you are going to respond whilst the other person is still speaking. 

Use open ended questions to give parents/children the chance to expand on what they’re saying, rather than them just saying “yes” or “no”. Ask questions such as “what happened when you said that” or “tell me more about”.

• Try to ask for examples “what sort of things does *the other parent* say/do to make you react in that way?
• Clarify what the other person has said by summarising points they have made as you go along.
• Check on the feelings as well as the content of what the parent/carer/child has said. For example, “how did you feel when that happened?”, “it sounds like that upset you, is that right?”

• Try to understand parents/carers/children’s perspectives, even if you do disagree with what they are saying.
• Think before you speak – especially when you’re talking about sensitive issues.
• Use language similar to the parents/carers/children but be yourself.
• Do parents/carers/children have an additional need/mental health issue/is English an additional language/are they a part of the LGBTQ+ community – is the language you are using appropriate and inclusive? If you’re not sure, check with the family.

• Don’t make any promises you cannot keep.
• From the outset inform parents about what support you can offer, when and how long for.
• Explain your position and that you may have to pass information over to other people.
• When relaying information – focus on the facts.

Brené Brown on Empathy - YouTube

Try to understand others’ point of view, even if you don’t agree
Actions speak louder than words – make time and effort for the family (within reason)
Imagine yourself in their shoes. Treat others as you would want to be treated if you were ever in the same situation.

• You can suggest ideas and realistic strategies, but ultimately, the action needs to come from parents themselves. They need to be fully committed to reduce their conflict, so by them making the decisions themselves, they are showing willingness to change/progress.
• Try to move away from being the ‘go between’. For some instances this may be appropriate, however you need to encourage parents to take ownership and to not be so reliant on professionals from the outset. There are appropriate services and apps that parents can use to discuss ideas and create plans.

Ensure there are no safeguarding concerns. Stress that parents should not make accusations towards the other parent or report any accusations towards services if they are not true or necessary as this may cause detrimental impact to not only their relationship with their co-parent, but also their child.

Reiterate to the parent that the longer parents take to build an alliance and resolve their disputes, the more energy a child has to use to cope with strain and stress in the family. This results in the child having less energy for the things that matter – achievement, relationships, attendance, emotional wellbeing etc

If parents cannot come to any agreement, advise them to complete the CAFCASS online parenting plan. It works by one parent starting a plan and making some suggestions before sending their proposal to their co-parent. This process can continue until they reach agreement over some, most, or all areas. This plan can then be downloaded and handed out to relevant individuals, such as yourself. If they do progress to take legal action, the courts will usually expect them to have at least attempted a parenting plan.

When we do advise parents to “seek legal advice”, try to emphasise that this does not mean that we are suggesting they ‘take legal action’. We should be attempting to minimise the need for legal action due to the likelihood of this causing further long-term damage to both the child(ren) and their parent’s relationship.

If the only worry is around low-level acrimony between parents, you can advise them to visit the separated families page, and/or signpost them to relevant services of support and monitor as appropriate. It is always important to speak with the child(ren) and gain their views around their lived experiences.

If there are further worries around the level of conflict (ensuring this is below the domestic abuse threshold) or concerns about additional aspects (such as housing, debt, substance misuse, school attendance etc) which may also be the cause to the conflict then you should use your professional judgement as to whether an extra help assessment could be completed by yourself or another professional, or if a family support/social worker should be allocated and/or a full family help/children and families assessment completed.